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Levi
Haha fun story and idea!
Aug 25, 2022, 6:39 AM
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Julieta (1 like)
Hi! I think that unfortunately I have not had the opportunity to comment on any of your previous submissions, but I wanted to tell you that I really liked this story!
I think that your narration makes it very entertaining, and I really like the message of final acceptance that you transmit to us. Thank you very much for sharing your work with us!
Congratulations on finishing the Xperiential program! :)
Aug 23, 2022, 5:34 AM
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Ploypat (1 like)
Hi! I love how the world is set up. The setting is clear and very strong! The story development also flows quite nicely. I think Gabriel is a very well thought out character, and I find him relatable right away, which makes me look forward to seeing what he will face in the story.
The drawings did a great job of telling the story! some suggestions I have on it would be to clean it up a little more. Right now, many of the lines seem quite chaotic, so if you have time, think going over the pencil lines with a marker in some clean strokes would make it look amazing!
Aug 23, 2022, 3:48 AM
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Brandon (1 like)
The parallel storylines works extremely well for this story; you show the weaknesses of both characters while simultaneously commenting on the importance of their respective jobs. Something I found quite interesting was the extent to which Gabriel was willing to achieve his desired goal. The act of him switching out the names was a really subtle yet powerful method of introducing the tension throughout the storyline. Overall, the story was actually quite engaging and I found myself reacting positively to a lot of the choices made.
A few things I would've liked to see:
- A better introduction for Mathew. Given your introduction of Mathew as a character, I only thought of him as serving 'the neighbor' archetype, so it was a bit jarring for him to be a secondary character. Adding more background to his character and fleshing his presence out during the beginning of the story would work to make the rest of the story flow better.
- I would've liked to see Gabriel grasp a bit more with the moral implications of his actions, seeing as how he was willing to tarnish Mathew's status for his own personal gain.
- I know this was supposed to be a voice over describing the events, but I think the 'show don't tell" rule would work really well in regards to the fact that Gabriel feels like the black sheep of the family. How could you have shown his state of mind (sad that he couldn't measure up to his brothers) without just telling us about it?
I really liked the story, I thought it was super unique, and I'm glad you were able to show this gem to us. Great work!
Aug 22, 2022, 8:37 AM
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Titus (1 like)
Really good notes and I agree on all fronts. I kept working on the story until I had no time left to submit. but I'm going to turn this into a script and your notes are a great starting point. Thank you!
Aug 23, 2022, 3:31 AM
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Monica (1 like)
Hello Team Dorkstar. I liked hearing your story because you narrated with a lot of energy. The simplicity of your drawings kept it with the story. Amazing story, there are many parents like Gabriel's that don't let their kids to be themselves. Good for Gabriel that he learned how to accept himself. Very nice Job!
Aug 21, 2022, 8:46 PM
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Marcus (1 like)
What a really touching story. I loved the lesson and the Characters growth. Having two characters going through the same thing but different was a really smart idea. When Gabriel goes infront of the council you imply that his father is really mad. What if you show that and when his father catches up to Gabriel he is still mad but you find out that he is not made with Gabriel, he is mad at himself. Like you said for Gabriel thinking that he had to live up to someone else's standards.
Great job!!!
Aug 21, 2022, 4:53 PM
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David (1 like)
I enjoyed your story of the Angels Gabriel and Matthew. I found the parallel storylines very intriguing and love the moral of how each of us has certain talents / skills and that all are needed and not necessarily more important. Accepting our talents and finding the best fit is a great message. Taking responsibility even if it means you could lose it all is a powerful message as well. I like the fact that Gabriel's courage leads to a good outcome. The growth exhibited through his character arc was powerful.
Why there was a need to switch names in the application was a bit confusing to me but at the end I believe this advances the storyline nicely.
Nice job. Keep developing the story.
Aug 21, 2022, 5:12 AM
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Once upon a time there was a small introverted angel named Gabriel who worked in the surveillance division of Angels LLC.
every morning he would observe humanity from his cubicle, and report on any threats to humanity on an individual or societal level.
He was great at his job, though his management and coworkers all pretty much ignored because he was soft spoken and shy.
Over many many many years, he became enamored with all the acts of heroism, he'd witness guardian angels do,
At home, he would hang out with his neighbor Matthew, where he would tell him stories about some guardian angel heroism he witnessed that day.
He would apply to the guardian angel corps every time a position came open, and every time, he'd get rejected.
At his yearly birthday party, his mother and father shower praise on his guardian angel brothers, talking about how proud they were of them, all while giving him consolations "maybe next year your wings will grow in". His father being on the Council of Arc Angels really made him feel the pressure to join the Guardian Angel Corps
And every day that he watched guardian angels saving and helping people, he was reminded of how small and insignificant he is and of his complete inability to live up his family's expectations.
His friend and neighbor Matthew, upon seeing an angel corps recruitment poster outside of their apartment building, notes that he wants to apply.
Gabriel mentions that he works in intelligence, and would bring his application in, to help grease the wheels so to speak.
Until one day, before handing in his and matthews applications, he switches their names , breaking the Angel Honor Code.
so Matthew gets hired into the surveillance division, Gabriel tells him he has no idea why they would put him in a position devoted to obervation, but its a good start, Matthew, reluctantly agrees.
and Gabriel gets accepted into angel corp training, so he asks his boss to take some vacation time. The boss says not on such short notice..... so Gabriel quits.
Because of that, he had to endure brutal guardian angel training and Matthew had to work a desk job.
Neither Gabriel or Matthew do well in their respective positions.
Gabriel Flounders completely on his first day , while Matthew displays the worst communication skills.
Upon finding out how hard Matthew has it, Gabriel feels guilty, so he starts to train Matthew in the ways of his old job. It doesn't make much difference, Matthew just doesn't get it, upon finding out how hard Gabriel's having it, Matthew gives him a piece of advice.
Because of that one piece of advice, Gabriel barely passes his angel corps training, while Gabriel's old department fell way behind in productivity so Matthew gets demoted to cupid duty, shooting teenagers with puppy love arrows, while Gabriel gets promoted to guardian angel receiving the coveted guardian angel halo.
Gabriels family throws a graduation party, but he can't help but feel empty upon seeing his family crest that has hung in his old home.
He gets his first assignment and its a human teenage boy, Nothing difficult for a few weeks, until one day the boy gets shot by a cupid arrow from Matthew, the two angels strike up a conversation, and M while he is sad, is doing his best to work his way up. In the process of their conversation, the teenager wanders into traffic, Gabriel shouts out that he's going to get hurt, and they both spring into action and Matthew saves him, while Gabriel was just physically too slow to do anything. In this moment, Gabe realizes what is, and isn't working.
Until Finally, Gabriel pulls off his halo, and gives it to Matthew, and confesses everything to him, He also mentions, that the kid is showing some kind of behavior that surveillance missed, and that Matthew should follow up on it with them. Matthew tells him upon his leaving, "You know, you're pretty good at that observing and reporting thing, I know a place you could work"
Gabriel goes before the arc angel council and confesses everything, including the fact that he thinks deep down he only wanted to be a guardian because of his family, but its no excuse, and he takes full responsibilty. his father's look, tells him everything he needs to know. The counsel immediately and forever bans Gabriel from being a guardian angel, and puts the word out that Matthew should go into training. Gabriel, gets completely ripped apart for his lies, but in light of his one observation about the teenager that he gave to Matthew, he finds out that lives were saved, so the council asks him to go back to his old post. He happily agrees, a moment after, his father apologizes to him, for making Gabriel feel he had to live up to anyones standards but his own.
He walks into his old office, and gets an uncharacteristically warm reception, they all missed him, and say they're sorry they ignored him, and they realized how important he is.
And ever since that day, Gabriel works his job with a new found vigor, supporting his New best friend Matthew, having learned to accept himself, strengths and weaknesses, small wings and all.
This is where the special thanks would go! I’m assuming they will be a little longer this week, therefore, I designed extra space for them. If there is far more description and special thanks then there is space, this entire box becomes scrollable.
Special Thanks:
Team:
Dorkstar
Titus
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